No. 2

Thursday, July 13th, 2017

Hello, simply me. It’s been a while since I’ve written you earnestly. I am experiencing a sort of homelessness, it seems.  A longing for something I’m not sure I ever had. I fell asleep on the ferry to the rock of the waves and the thought of Sol. Just Sol, doing simple things he used to do. When we’d shower a together-shower in that tiny box in that tiny bathroom with the broken lock. His cold, wiggly butt when he’d climb naked into bed with me in the winter months. The slamming of the heavy bunker-style door upon his arrival after a day of cleaning windows.

A feeling of intense loneliness and longing overcame me.

There had been a time of unspoken forever.

[Seth and Summer Forever — Babygirl]

Sunday, July 16th, 2017

I feel different. As though I have had actual revelations, not ones that stick for a mere 24 hours. It feels as though my brain has, in some way, calibrated itself.

A lot of points from the book Heather gave me for my birthday, “You Are A Badass,” really stuck with me. It discusses money a lot, which I realize I’ve had major issues with and have defined it as totally evil, which it isn’t. A necessary means to live.

I also decided that I can look good and that doesn’t make me superficial.

Tuesday, July 18th, 2017

Today was a day wrought with unanticipated goodness. I woke up early for meditation and coffee and a chat with my best friend overseas. I bought a new mirror and two new plants from Pretty Pots. My mom came over for lunch – Tanyon cooked sweet potatoes, salad, salmon. I helped him set up his new instagram, @tanyonskitchen. I began building my terrarium. I was hungry, but mostly avoided bad foods save for six chocolate easter eggs I’d hidden in the back of my underwear drawer.

Thursday, July 20th, 2017

I love the days I get my period and suddenly the fact that I wanted to eat the entire world in 48 hours is justified. I had a strange wave of unprecedented anxiety today that I think I dealt with quite well: I got Eva to tell me a story.

[Racontez-moi une histoire – M83]

I’m tired.

July 23rd, 2017

Dear therapist Danielle,

Today was difficult. Likely because of my period, yes (my uterus feels like it is falling out of my body, yes), but also for other reasons. I got called into work today to help Damian and Beverly, after dreaming that Damian, who had at some point become my half-brother, had died and I had to body-bag him up after placing a sliver of pine tree bark over his face to help him pass into the afterlife. I think it was a sign to forgive his assholery and move forwards (he is still, in many ways, a child).

I returned home and ate an egg-white omelette with toast (still not vegan) and cut up the huge watermelon. I then worked on the project for a long while and listened to Charlie Puth the entire time. I am in love with him. I am 14.

I talked with A on B
I found parking for Osheaga
I finished the lighthouse letter
I emailed A, L, Z, and J
I spoke with E & C
I practiced piano
I did laundry
I read the news
I cried watching a @plantifulsoul video on youtube because I was so envious of her following her dreams and moving to hawaii
I prefer to create over socializing.

The Sahara desert was burning red, like a rhapsody among the seasons, a dante built on vivid dreams. Retribution was only in store for the last of us; fiery innards dared to burst forth revealing your true colours on the white Egyptian cotton.

You cried because you could not find freedom – is that it? You cried because you could not find time. And other days, you cry because joy so untamed rushes wildly through unweathered veins. Keep it there. Blaze the trails.

he/she/they are all made-up characters and you know this. Write your book and your songs and know that you have all the time in the world. Only the anti-thought to this creates a world where this truth does not tether. Believe in time  and that you hold it in your very own hands every single day.